Are You Zapping Godzilla With Lightning?
It seemed like a good idea at first, but...
I was recently chatting with someone who was looking for book recommendations. They were hoping to find a book on mindfulness that could help them exact “complete control over their thoughts”, to fully prevent upsetting thoughts from dominating their attention.
I had a sense of what this person might be going through. I spent years trying to muscle my way into this sort of “mental control”, and was never successful. But hey… this was all before I ventured down the very long and winding rabbit hole that’s led to me typing up this supposedly informed opinion post today. So surely… surely now, I’ve discovered something that fits that description right?
*clears throat*
“… You think what you're doing is going to take the monster down, but in actuality, all it does is give the beast more power and energy.”
Here’s the thing. I'd go so far as to say you're not going to find a SINGLE good book on mindfulness that teaches you how to exact absolute control over your thoughts. That may sound odd. And if it’s true, it’s awful news, right? I mean, what exactly are you meant to do?
Believe it or not, this isn’t bad news. Let me explain.
Mindfulness practices and meditation in particular are both excellent tools for dealing with the challenge of intrusive thoughts. But it's important to understand from the start, that these practices are NOT about controlling your thoughts. As counter-intuitive as it may sound, not trying to eliminate unwanted thoughts is exactly the point.
Anyone who’s spent any amount of time trying to control unwanted thoughts, has likely discovered that it's a bit like shooting Godzilla with lightning. You think what you're doing is going to take the monster down, but in actuality, all it does is give the beast more power and energy.
“The desire for a more positive experience is itself a negative experience. And, paradoxically, the acceptance of one's negative experience is itself a positive experience."
- Mark Manson
"When you swim you don't grab hold of the water, because if you do you will sink and drown. Instead you relax, and float."
- Alan Watts
"When nothing is done, nothing is left undone."
- Lao Tzu
These are the sorts of concepts that anchor the mindful approach to dealing with our most challenging thoughts and emotions. We STOP fighting them. We sit with them. We even befriend them. We give ourselves the space to learn that our thoughts can't harm us, and we give our thoughts the space to dissipate on their own. The practice is deceptively simple, and profoundly effective.
So with all that in mind, here are a few books that have meant a lot to me over the years. Some are specifically about mindfulness, and some are more thematically and tangentially related to mindfulness concepts.
“The Power of Now” (Eckhart Tolle)
“The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck” (Mark Manson)
“Tao Te Ching” (I find Stephen Mitchell's translation most accessible)
“Man's Search for Meaning” (Viktor Frankl)
“Out of Your Mind” (audiobook of speeches by Alan Watts)
These books have all helped me immensely in their own ways. Some can feel like a tough nut to crack early on in your journey (Tao Te Ching in particular), but revisiting them over time can open your eyes to discoveries that may not have clicked the first time through (or the 20th). I’ve spent hundreds of combined hours with the Tao Te Ching and Alan Watts’s talks over the years for this exact reason.
Developing a healthier, and more relaxed relationship with these challenging pieces of ourselves DOES take time. But for many of us, no other practice has proven more effective at revealing the equanimity, calm, and peaceful state of mind we've been looking for.
Hopefully the ideas in this post and the words in one or more of these books can help you in some small way along your journey.
Have a wonderful weekend my friends.
